the 2 year anniversary of my mom's death came and went a few weeks ago. i didn't even notice what day it was until my older brother was a bit weird with me in a text message, and i realized it was that day in his time zone. this will probably sound awful to those who haven't been in a similar position, but i do not miss my mother in the slightest.
we weren't close at all, largely by her own design, from nearly the moment i was born. we had deeply different personalities (she was very moody, emotional, imaginative and literature/movie oriented, whereas i'm a more analytical and visual person without a lot of stronge feelings), but on top of that, she was neglectful and constantly belittled me, my interests, and most aspects of my personality.
i was an unwanted, unexpected, very late second child my parents had in their early 40s. my mom used to joke (?) about she often forgot that my brother even had a sibling, until i was school age and required more interaction.
i suspect she always resented my existence because she blamed me for her lack of motivation to leave my abusive dad. (verbally/emotionally abusive to her, verbally/emotionally/physically abusive to me, ignored my brother entirely.)
she was the type to think people with kids can't get divorced, two parent household (even if both parents are abusive apparently), blah blah. i actually prayed every night for them to get divorced when i was a kid-- and he was the one to leave her, long after i had grown up and moved out.
i cried twice upon her passing-- both times more because my brother was crying at the time, and seeing him that way was admittely pretty heart wrenching. he's usually pretty funny and upbeat. i spoke well of her at her funeral but frankly didn't mean a word of it. i had to think of my cat's passing from a year prior to get the right tone of voice for the speech. again i know that sounds cold but it's not without reason.
we weren't close at all, largely by her own design, from nearly the moment i was born. we had deeply different personalities (she was very moody, emotional, imaginative and literature/movie oriented, whereas i'm a more analytical and visual person without a lot of stronge feelings), but on top of that, she was neglectful and constantly belittled me, my interests, and most aspects of my personality.
i was an unwanted, unexpected, very late second child my parents had in their early 40s. my mom used to joke (?) about she often forgot that my brother even had a sibling, until i was school age and required more interaction.
i suspect she always resented my existence because she blamed me for her lack of motivation to leave my abusive dad. (verbally/emotionally abusive to her, verbally/emotionally/physically abusive to me, ignored my brother entirely.)
she was the type to think people with kids can't get divorced, two parent household (even if both parents are abusive apparently), blah blah. i actually prayed every night for them to get divorced when i was a kid-- and he was the one to leave her, long after i had grown up and moved out.
i cried twice upon her passing-- both times more because my brother was crying at the time, and seeing him that way was admittely pretty heart wrenching. he's usually pretty funny and upbeat. i spoke well of her at her funeral but frankly didn't mean a word of it. i had to think of my cat's passing from a year prior to get the right tone of voice for the speech. again i know that sounds cold but it's not without reason.
the song "up the wolves" by the mountain goats has always resonated with me, since the first time i heard it. the other day, my husband was asking me about songs that mean a lot to me, and i played it for him. this was actually the first time i listened to it since my mom's passing, and it felt even more true to me this time around. i read that john darnielle wrote it about 6 months after his abusive stepdad died, and i can see how it tracks. for a few months after her passing, i was pretty angry that she never had to answer for what she did, but eventually i was able to just focus on how glad i am to finally be free of her.
the mountain goats - up the wolves
i was also talking to my husband the other day about how i feel lucky to have dodged a lot of religious trauma, despite spending a fair amount of time in the fundamentalist church with a deeply religious and mentally ill mother. (not conflating religion and mental illness btw-- but untreated bipolar type i and fundamentalist christianity are a hell of a combination.)
when i was little, my family was not particularly devout. when my mother's parents passed away, she became a lot more involved in religion and in conservative politics, due to some kind of trauma response i guess. at first, when i was around 6, we went from church just on christmas to church every week. by the time i hit high school, it was church and bible study twice every week, private baptist school, no 'secular' music or movies, and only religious or classic literature. she blamed most of this ramping up on me being 'willful' and worrying that i'd become 'promiscuous' as a teenager.
when i was younger, i did think maybe something was wrong with me, because i never felt anything wrt faith or religion. others my age at church and school seemed to get some deep emotional benefit from "knowing jesus," but i never felt a thing. as an adult, now i know it's just not my personality type.. even though it was weird wondering if i was somehow broken or dead inside, i'm ultimately pretty glad i never became emotionally invested in religion. made it very easy to say goodbye and not think much about it again after leaving home. i know a lot of people who had years-long struggles with faith and self image when leaving negative church environments. (i'm not against christianity/religion in general but i for sure take issue with how my mom and her church of choice implemented it)
this song really clicked with me the first time i heard it. some people just aren't built to get into faith, and i guess i'm one of those.
nirvana - jesus doesn't want me for a sunbeam
when i was little, my family was not particularly devout. when my mother's parents passed away, she became a lot more involved in religion and in conservative politics, due to some kind of trauma response i guess. at first, when i was around 6, we went from church just on christmas to church every week. by the time i hit high school, it was church and bible study twice every week, private baptist school, no 'secular' music or movies, and only religious or classic literature. she blamed most of this ramping up on me being 'willful' and worrying that i'd become 'promiscuous' as a teenager.
when i was younger, i did think maybe something was wrong with me, because i never felt anything wrt faith or religion. others my age at church and school seemed to get some deep emotional benefit from "knowing jesus," but i never felt a thing. as an adult, now i know it's just not my personality type.. even though it was weird wondering if i was somehow broken or dead inside, i'm ultimately pretty glad i never became emotionally invested in religion. made it very easy to say goodbye and not think much about it again after leaving home. i know a lot of people who had years-long struggles with faith and self image when leaving negative church environments. (i'm not against christianity/religion in general but i for sure take issue with how my mom and her church of choice implemented it)
this song really clicked with me the first time i heard it. some people just aren't built to get into faith, and i guess i'm one of those.
if you made it this far, thanks for reading. there's other songs that i'd say describe my relationship with my family more explicitly. several on neko case's album the worse things get, the harder i fight, the harder i fight, the more i love you, nail it exactly, but i'd rather not talk at length as to why. i prefer to leave most of my family stuff as an "if you know, you know" type thing understood only by those who have been through similar.
i really don't post or even speak much about my family. even when my mom passed, all i told the majority of my friends online and in person is that my mom had passed away, and that i had gone to her funeral.
i'm pleased that my mom's passing pretty much closed the chapter of my life where i needed to engage with my parents and my experiences with them. my dad's still around, somewhere, but i haven't spoken to him in a number of years, i think close to a decade. i forget that he's even alive most of the time.
moving to japan has been nice to get even further away from people who knew my family, locations, and topics from that past. anyway i promise my next diary (and probably all of them besides this) is gonna be my usual hobbies and flower pics. i've been building plastic model kits while recovering from my minor sinus surgery.
i really don't post or even speak much about my family. even when my mom passed, all i told the majority of my friends online and in person is that my mom had passed away, and that i had gone to her funeral.
i'm pleased that my mom's passing pretty much closed the chapter of my life where i needed to engage with my parents and my experiences with them. my dad's still around, somewhere, but i haven't spoken to him in a number of years, i think close to a decade. i forget that he's even alive most of the time.
moving to japan has been nice to get even further away from people who knew my family, locations, and topics from that past. anyway i promise my next diary (and probably all of them besides this) is gonna be my usual hobbies and flower pics. i've been building plastic model kits while recovering from my minor sinus surgery.